IT’S FAB FRIDAY AND BOY, OH BOY DO I HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE AND GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF THE RACERS!!
HEED MY RULES AND LIVE, DON’T… (HAHAHAAAA) AND SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!
KRISTIN’S COFFEE SHOP RULES:
1} Never EVER make eye contact with the person on a laptop sitting in the wooden chair (usually positioned in the center of the shop) because 9 times out of 10, this person is completely uncomfortable (from sitting on uh, wood) and from the many fantastical distractions that they’ve experienced from (I don’t know) being positioned in the center of the store! I’ve found that they have lots AND LOTS of anger built up from being hit with backpacks, drenched in scolding hot coffee, sneezed on (while people wait in line beside them), and from (pretty much) being thrown to the wind with anything and everything that could happen in a coffee shop. Yep, I get it though, I’d be annoyed, too if I had to sit in the lonely, hard wooden chair that nobody else wanted to sit in because well, they (the other sitters) are lounging in nice, comfy chairs…you know the big ones with the soft velvet sleeves. Yeah, they go quick people, THEY GO QUICK!! GET EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT!!
2} When it’s your turn to order, have your script in hand and your mouth ready to move because… as they like to say in the movies, “IT’S SHOWTIME!!!” Spotlight on, cameras rolling, and people ready to pelt you with coffee beans if you don’t get your order right on the first take. These people are some serious coffee(ers) and I mean S-E-R-I-O-U-S (Oh look, Kristin is cheering again)! Have you ever witnessed a frustrated, decaffeinated person? Wowzers, NOT a pretty sight: Their legs are shaking (up and down, back and forth) so violently that the next door neighbors think its an earthquake.
3} NEVER stand in front of a person that’s easily excited by pastries or new menu items because LET ME TELL YOU, they’re a danger to anyone in their “pointer path.” They have that finger pointing to the right, left, and every which way, oohing and ahhing over the newest fade of delectables. They’ll get ya, too when you least expect it, like when you’re purposely looking to the right, trying to avoid the guy from #1. Before you know it, your eye has been gouged clean from your head and you spend the rest of the day in the hospital!! OUCH!! HAHA, I AM THIS PERSON!!! I LOVE MY PASTRIES!!
4} ALWAYS clear a path for the avid coffee drinker that has positively had way too much coffee. They’ve been there (studying or what not) ALL DAY LONG and can’t help but use the bathroom every 2 minutes (because of all the fluids and caffeine they’ve taken in). Whatever you do, NEVER stand in their “destruction path” because like a tornado, they’ll tear you up (to get to the bathroom) and you’re left hitching a ride with the guy from #3.
5} Be careful NOT to interrupt the guy who JUST WANTS a Venti Black Coffee. He decides that shouting his order ( of one Venti Black Coffee) is a way better idea than actually waiting his turn. Yes, this man is usually 4-5 people back, somewhat tall, and is 100% sure that ordering at the counter is a bad idea because after all, all he needs is a frickin’ coffee (no cream, no sugar, and certainly none of the fluff (those fancy espresso drinks)).
6} Remember when I talked about those velvety soft sleeved, big, comfy chairs, well by all means, NEVER wake the person snoring in one because I promise you, you’ll be sorry…YOU WILL! This person is sleep deprived and extremely cranky and hasn’t the time to go home and take a nap, hasn’t the time to drink coffee to wake up, but HAS THE TIME to take a nap right in the middle of the coffee shop (probably next to the guy from #1 that’s already extremely irritated). Wake up Sleeping Beauty and see what happens!! I tell ya, a chemical reaction will happen, A CHEMICAL REACTION (between the snorer and the guy from #1)! I’m pretty sure the guy from #1 will be SO annoyed that the snorer had the audacity to wake up, stretch, and hit him in the head, that he’ll give Sleeping Beauty an eye that matches the guys coffee from #5.
7} Okay, so now we have the “stander arounder,” you know the person that is waiting for their drink (which is probably twenty drinks away from being ready), but still decides to stand in everyone’s way (at the pickup counter). Every single person (that walks to the counter to pick up their drink) is inconvenienced by this person, especially the guy from #5 that just frickin’ wants his Venti Black Coffee (no cream, no sugar, and certainly none of the fluff). Be sure to give #5 a gnarly high five and a THANKS DUDE when he steam rolls “stander arounder” (right) out of the way!!
8} Now we go from being inconvenienced by “stander arounder” to just standing around due to the over the top, fatiguing demands that this next person puts on the workers. We have the Venti Peppermint Mocha with no whip + no peppermint + a little cinnamon + an extra shot of espresso to…everything AND the kitchen sink. Man, OH MAN, as the minutes tick away, we drop our heads and hold our tongues, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst, knowing that if we give this person one slight roll of the eye, they’ll get distracted and start their order ALL over again. WHATEVER YOU DO, FEAR THE KITCHEN SINKERS AND DON’T INTERRUPT THEM for if you do, you’ll be in line allllll day long!!!
9} I advise you (now and forever) to NEVER insult the smoothie order(er) because this person is fired up and rarin’ to go with an insult and excuse (as to why they can’t drink coffee). They are sick and tired of the ugly looks/comments that they get (on a daily basis) when they order a smoothie AT A COFFEE SHOP, so their dukes are up, their tongue is a twirlin’, and they’re ready to lash out at THE FIRST insult that comes their way (like HEY, THE SMOOTHIE SHOP IS DOWN THE STREET). #8 is a total candidate for a good lashin’ because hello, they think they run the coffee shop with all of their fancy orderin’.
HAHA, HEY YOU, DO YOU LIKE MY COFFEE SHOP RULES???!!! I’D LOVE TO HEAR!!!